How to talk to a small child about the death of a loved one?

Every parent wants to protect their child from the difficult aspects of life, but death is an integral part of our existence. It is worth understanding how important it is to talk to children about death in a gentle but understandable way. Children, although innocent and full of life, are capable of feeling deeply and asking difficult questions. Appropriately approaching this topic can help them build a healthy understanding of life and death, as well as cope with grief. It is certainly one of the most difficult issues and it is not easy to convey such sad news. In our article, we will discuss how to prepare the ground for conversations about death, which are inevitable in every child’s life. We will discuss the issue of finding the right moment for such discussions, ways to explain the passing of time to a child, methods of supporting a child in experiencing sadness, and learning an attitude towards death. Appropriate words and actions can not only help a child understand what death is, but also teach him how to cope with the emotions that accompany saying goodbye to a loved one. Our goal is to provide guidance to help parents and caregivers navigate this sensitive conversation with empathy and understanding of the child’s needs.

Table of Contents:

1. Recognizing the causes of resistance is the key to understanding your child
2. Building effective communication with your child
3. Setting clear boundaries and consequences means we are laying the foundation for obedience
4. Educational techniques supporting listening
5. The role of empathy in the relationship with a child, or how empathy affects obedience
6. The importance of consistency and praise in parenting – balance between discipline and support
7. Examples and exercises to improve communication with your child

Young children’s understanding of the concept of death

The youngest children develop their understanding of death gradually, and their ability to understand this difficult topic evolves with age. Under the age of 5, children often perceive the death of loved ones as something temporary and reversible, reflecting their magical thinking and limited ability to understand permanence. It is important that we tailor our translations to their level of cognitive development, using simple, clear and consistent information that will help them build a realistic understanding of death.

Over time, as older children mature, they begin to understand that death is irreversible and universal. By around six years of age, they may already understand that all living things eventually die, although they often do not yet connect this directly with themselves or loved ones. During such a conversation, it is crucial to listen to the child’s questions and emotions, as well as to ensure a sense of security and openness to expressing feelings.

The right time to talk about death with your child

Choosing the right moment to talk about death with a small child is crucial and should be tailored to the individual situation. The phenomenon of the death of a loved one is a natural part of life, but it may be difficult and incomprehensible for a child. The conversation should take place in a calm atmosphere, when the child is ready to listen and ask questions. The advantage of raising this topic early is that it prepares the child for possible future experiences of the death of a loved one, which may ease the shock and pain. However, a disadvantage may be introducing the child to sad aspects of life too early, which may cause unnecessary fear and anxiety. It is important that the conversation is conducted in a gentle and understandable way for the child, taking into account his or her age and emotional maturity.

How to prepare for an interview?

Talking about death requires proper preparation. First of all, think about words that are appropriate for your child’s age and level of understanding. Early preschool children understand the concept of death differently, so it is important to adapt the language to their perceptual abilities. Also prepare emotionally, because children are very sensitive to our reactions and may feel our stress or sadness.

Set an appropriate time and place for the conversation. Choose a moment when the child will be calm and focused, and the surroundings will not distract him. It is important that the child feels safe and comfortable, which will make it easier for him or her to open up about difficult topics. Below are some steps to consider before the interview:

1. Consider what information is necessary to tell your child about the death of a loved one.
2. Be prepared for questions your child may ask.
3. Try to anticipate your child’s reactions and be prepared for various scenarios. If he doesn’t reveal his emotions, ask him how he feels about it.

During preparations, collect supporting materials, such as books or fairy tales that gently introduce the topic of death. They can serve as a starting point for further conversation and allow the child to understand that death is something ordinary and a natural part of life. Remember to be ready to support your child and make him feel safe, which is crucial in such delicate conversations.

Using simple and understandable language

Communication about death requires special sensitivity and simplicity from us. Explaining this difficult issue should be done in clear, literal terms that are easy to understand. Avoid metaphors and euphemisms that can be misleading – for example, saying someone is asleep forever can make your child fear falling asleep. Instead, let’s talk about death directly, while maintaining delicacy and empathy.

When talking to your child about death, it is important to adjust the level of information to the child’s age and development level. Younger children need simpler explanations, while older children understand more and can ask more detailed questions. Here are some points worth considering:

• Use specific, simple sentences.
• Explain that death is a natural part of life.
• Answer your child’s questions calmly and patiently, without avoiding difficult topics.

Encouraging your child to express feelings and ask questions is just as important as providing information. Listen to your child’s fears and doubts and respond to them with sensitivity. Remember that children often react to death differently than adults and may take longer to understand and accept the loss. Give your child space to express sadness, fear or anger, and be prepared for the fact that this difficult topic of death may come up many times in conversations.

Answering questions about death

Understanding the concept of death for a young child is a process that takes time and patience. When your child asks questions about this difficult topic, it is important to be honest, but in a way that is appropriate to his or her age and level of emotional development. Don’t treat it as a taboo topic. Here are some tips on how to approach this task:

• Use simple language – avoid metaphors that may be confusing, such as fall asleep forever (or others: fade away, go away). You can tell the truth in a gentle way.
• Be patient – children may ask the same questions repeatedly as they try to understand death, give your child time.
• Listen to your child’s feelings – let your child express sadness, fear or anger.
• Say it directly – if the child does not understand the concept of dying, describe it in an understandable way, using known concepts, that the end of life means that the person does not move, breathe or feel. Presenting death as another phase of “life” (e.g. “grandma goes to heaven”) may be an acceptable argument when raising a child in the faith.

Children may react to news about death in different ways, depending on their age and personality. Observe your child’s behavior to better understand what his needs are and how you can support him. Some common reactions are:

• Questions about details – your child may want to know what exactly happened.
• Expressing feelings through play is a natural way to process difficult emotions.
• Behavioral changes – such as problems with sleep or appetite.

Emotional support is crucial in the child’s understanding of death. Don’t be afraid to talk about your feelings, showing that sadness is a natural reaction. Encourage them to ask questions and share their thoughts. Remember that:

• The presence of an adult is important – support and give a sense of security.
• Books and stories can make difficult concepts easier to understand.
• Participating in rituals – If possible, allow your child to participate in burials or other forms of farewell.

Dealing with a child’s emotions during a conversation

While a child is grieving, it is important that adults are ready to provide emotional support. Empathetic listening and acceptance of your toddler’s feelings are crucial. Don’t underestimate any emotion your child may be expressing, whether it’s sadness, anger or fear. Let your child express what he or she is feeling and reaffirm that these feelings are normal and that there is nothing wrong with them. Support should be adapted to the child’s age and individual needs. Using simple, understandable words will help avoid misunderstandings. However, it is worth remembering that children may have different ways of dealing with emotions and may need time to process information. Having an adult who is willing to hug, listen and comfort can be invaluable. In conclusion, it is crucial to guarantee a child a safe environment where he can freely express his feelings and receive the support he needs.

How to support a child after the loss of a loved one

Emotional support is crucial in a child’s grieving process. Staying open to questions and concerns that children may have helps them understand and accept loss. You should listen with empathy and patience, without minimizing the child’s feelings. Giving permission to express sadness and one’s own emotions is as important as reaffirming the belief that they are a natural response to harm.

Creating memories and rituals can be helpful in the grieving process. For example, children can draw, write letters to the deceased or attend funeral services if they are ready. Maintaining routine and a sense of security are important so that the child can gradually adapt to the new reality. Professional psychological support should be considered when parents notice that their child is having difficulty coping with their feelings. A child psychologist may sometimes be necessary.

The importance of rituals and memory after loss in the child’s mourning process

Mourning rituals play a key role in the child’s process of experiencing loss. They enable the expression of emotions and participation in a socially acceptable form of farewell. For a child, they can take various forms, from participating in a funeral ceremony to individual activities such as drawing or writing letters to the deceased. Involving your child in these activities helps him or her understand and accept death as a part of life.

Maintaining the memory of the deceased is equally important. This may include:

• Creating an album of memories with photos and stories about the deceased,
• Participation in anniversaries and other days of remembrance,
• Preserving items that were important to the deceased and can become a symbol of memory for the child.

​Adopting such practices helps the child build a lasting memory of the person who has passed away, as well as understand that death does not mean a complete disappearance from the lives of those who remain. Thanks to this, the child can learn to live with longing and sadness, turning them into part of his or her identity and history.

Frequently Asked Questions:

Useful sources:

UNICEF: https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-care/how-talk-your-children-about-death-loved-one